Today would have been her 61st birthday if she was still alive. I miss her and still want to punch her at the same time. Instead I'm using the baubles and beads she left behind to make my rent and trying not to let my anger cause me to do something bad.
She was a complicated woman who would give a friend all her money and then ask her kids to pay her bills. She wanted so badly to make and design jewelry; and she was really good at it; but she never had the follow through to make a name for herself. She had more important things to buy.
She always tried to make you accept gifts but never wanted to just be with you even when she cried she was lonely and no one loved her. I loved my mom even if I didn't always like her.
She had a rebellious streak and she lived to pull one over on anyone she could. That is probably what killed her.
You could never trust her words, but you could always trust her heart. She was a kind, violent soul. She usually had the best intentions, at least when it came to best for her but she never hurt anyone she thought needed help. She would open her home to druggies and homeless then cry because they stole from her.
She was finally responding to therapy for her throat cancer and when I saw her two days before she died she was jabbering on about how good her eggs and toast had been for breakfast and how she really loved the egg salad sandwich she had for lunch but wished she could have chips with it. She even looked better than I'd seen her for months. When I left the final words were "I love you, see you on Easter."
She didn't make it. On April 6, 2012 at 7:55pm her heart stopped. Twelve minutes before that I had given the order to pull the plug. She had been non responsive for over an hour after she had been found at the nursing home with no pulse.
She had managed to flip me, cancer, my siblings, and her brother off in one fell swoop.
Mom didn't die of cancer. She overdosed on meth. She went out thumbing her nose at the world, but I don't think she meant to die. She just wanted to have fun.
I miss her, but at least I have her cat. Zelda hates me. Mom's probably laughing at that right now as she eats more eggs. She really liked eggs.
Like I said Mom was complicated.